I May Never Be a Mother. And That’s Okay.
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Ever since I started at Brazen Careerist I’ve been obsessed with my MBTI type. Mostly because I couldn’t decide what I was - so I began researching each letter until I was sure.
Now I’ve come to the conclusion. I’m an INTP, which is the least common personality type. Something like 1% of the population has it. Here’s where you find INTP’s: teaching at colleges. Researching. Making theoretical discoveries. They are the “absent-minded professors,” in their own worlds. Disconnected from relationships, preferring to figure things out on their own. And the successful INTP’s are mostly men, which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.
In other words, my personality type is the exact opposite personality of someone who society thinks would make a good wife and mother. No kidding. ESFJ is actually nicknamed the “housewife” personality type.
Here is what worries me about my personality type: I feel like I’ve caught this anti-wife, anti-mom disease. And naturally, I want to be a good wife and good mom, because society tells me I should.
So the first thing I did after discovering all this was write an article about how you can change your personality type. It never went to publish, because I knew I was wrong. As much as I want to be a mother, I won’t ever be obsessed with my kids, the way my parents were. I won’t ever have the desire to quit my job, or even cut back on my hours.
I’ve always known this about myself, and up until recently here was my plan to make it work: get a puppy. I would get a dog to practice taking care of someone before I had kids, so by the time I actually had kids I would be ready to give up more of myself. But after five days of waking up at 6am to a puppy licking my face, I’m even reconsidering that.
Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I don’t want to be a mother. Maybe I’ve been told my entire life that women get married, have kids, and clean their houses, and I’ve just assumed that’s the only acceptable path. Maybe it’s not, and I resent society for that stereotype, because I’ll never, ever fit it. Damn society.
Here’s my new plan for having kids: make my husband stay at home, or get a nanny if he doesn’t want to. Or not have kids, because the first two solutions make me feel very guilty (another side effect of societal views). Penelope wrote about stay-at-home-dads recently, and everyone, including me, hated it. Then I realized the reason I hated it is because it was about a guy cheating on his wife who provided all the money for him and their family. If the post was about a woman cheating on a man, I would say she was bored and taken for granted. Totally justifiable. But a guy cheating on his working wife makes my blood boil; because deep down I don’t respect a guy who does not financially provide for his family, then proverbially slaps his wife in the face by cheating on her.
Before you start hating me, know that these views make sense, given my personality type. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying, and my biggest revelation is that as angry as I am about wife/mother stereotypes, I am not immune to prescribing to gender stereotypes either. So the only way I can ever have kids is to redefine what motherhood means to me and see if I can make it work with my personality. But that starts with me learning to truly respect a man who is willing to stay home with the kids.
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Monica O'Brien is the founder of Twenty Set, a website about personal and professional growth and development for the Millennial generation. She has been a blogger since 1998 when blogging was still in its “Dear Diary” form and in May 2007 began blogging for personal branding and profit.
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Man, I’ve been meaning to blog about this! I don’t think I want kids. This thought never crossed my mind until I started dating GIWS, who was 99% certain he didn’t want kids. I had to ask myself how important it was to me, why I wanted them, etc. I could go on and on here, but you may have just inspired me to go ahead with the post! (Side note: My friends were HORRIFIED when I even just *mentioned* possibly not having kids. It was somehow offensive to them.)
Holly, I would love to read your thoughts on this. I feel like we probably have similar personality types. It’s really difficult to find women with my personality type, I feel. And I grew up in the Midwest, where it’s pretty much blasphemy to not get married and have children.
Anyway, I haven’t decided I don’t want to have kids. But I really have to wonder how it would work - it’s so much easier for men, I feel. Society is set up for men to still do well with kids, even if their personality type is not conducive to it.
Really motherhood is total devotion! I don’t think any comment can change your thought on that cos its personality. Am a mother with a son then not that easy combining it with my career, its needs sacrificing. Though i don’t like the idea of stay at home hubby but with nanny to take care of him the psychology of someone is there expecting me is the case.
Personally i love being a mother, its fun!
I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids. My husband and I talk about it quite often, and we just don’t want kids. When we get the quesion “when are you going to start having babies” (which I can’t stand BTW), people are shocked that we would even consider NOT having kids. Because everyone knows, you grow up, get married, and have babies, and la la la. I hate that reaction we get, like we don’t know what we’re talking about. We’re adults making a decision about OUR lives… it’s better than someone getting pregnant and having a baby they don’t even want. My own opinion, of course.
Really interesting post. Perhaps especially interesting for me because I’m an INTP as well.
I have an open mind about kids. I’ve never had an active desire for them. Right now I’m 22, very career focused, still working stuff out about *me*, and not even seriously dating.
But… if I meet a guy I really like, and somewhere down the line it seems to make sense, then I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea — in fact, if you really love someone, then it might seem a delightful idea to raise a child together. Especially if I’m convinced he’d be a good father and play an active part in raising the child.
On the other hand, whether I have kids depends on the relationship.
I’ve never had housewife tendencies, but I’d take the personality “types” with a pinch of salt… we’re still individuals, and individuals in a flux of life. There’s a time and place for everything — perhaps it’s just not _now_.
Not everyone’s cut out for this parenting thing. Maybe a better way to say it is that some are better than others. I could never be a stay at home dad because I’m not the nurturing type. I’d also find it hard to respect myself if I wasn’t the one responsible for taking care of the bills. I’ll probably be a Dad someday, just not the one staying home with the kids all day.
I’m confused, did you take the MBTI or just study the types? The reason I ask is because (psych nerd alert) most people who bypass the test and try to diagnose themselves just using the letters get it wrong. The purpose of the test is to determine your personality type without allowing your impression of your personality type to get in the way. Who knows, maybe you’re different than you think?
Anyone who can handle a puppy at 6am (mine’s 10 months old now but the first couple weeks were really hard!) has to have some motherly inclinations.
I’m not trying to say you’re wrong, but I am cautioning you not to put too much weight on your MBTI type. Be who you are, whether that is a person who wants kids or doesn’t, and let your type reflect you. Don’t reflect your type or let it determine how you live your life.
Hello fellow rational ladies. INTJ girlgeek here, and not a nurturing or domestic bone in my body.
Something to think about. Before you decline to make a contribution to the gene pool, think about why your personality type is the rarest one. Think about why you never meet other women like you and why these domestic stereotypes exist in the first place. What happens if all the female engineers and scientists in the world decide they’re not cut out for parenting? That’s right, the world ends up being run by busybody guardians, and artisans who can’t plan ahead. Please at least rent the movie Idiocracy and let it sink in.
I’m lucky to have a husband who wants to take care of my kids. I actually like kids (at least smart ones like I was) that are at least 6 years old or so. It’s just babies I’m terrified of and not emotionally equipped to deal with. It’s not as much children I’m afraid of, it’s stagnation, being tied down, and suburban hell (and the concept of childbirth scares the hell out of me). Life doesn’t need to be like that if you have kids, you just need to figure out how to free yourself form corporate servitude while you are still young. If you have an independent income or one not tied to an hourly salary, perhaps it doesn’t have to be so bad.
The whole kid thing is hard. I’m the youngest person on my staff, and no one at my job has kids. We’re journalists, so I’ve been quite scared of the prospect of having a child and being a full-time magazine editor. My hubby-to-be is a writer too (for TV) so it looks like he would have a better chance at being the parent that the kid spends the most time with.
It kind of ended up being that way when I was growing up: grandma took care of us, Dad worked until 6, Mom worked ALL day at a horrible job that kept her until the wee hours of the night. But she still made time for my sister and I. Even if she was coming home at 10 p.m., she checked our homework and made sure we had lunches ready for school the next day.
I fear that I won’t be able to be such a great mom. She’s fantastic, and I think my sis and I turned out OK.
Hey Monica,
You said “Society is set up for men to still do well with kids, even if their personality type is not conducive to it.”
I’m not sure it is.. Men can have kids and successful careers, but does that mean he’s a good father or that he’s there for his kids? Many richer couples send their children to boarding school, so for most of the year the parents don’t have to deal with their kids on a daily basis, or they hire a nanny who does the dirty work.
Behind a lot of successful men who have children is either a hard working mother, nanny or an expensive boarding school.
There’s no shame in wanting a career and children but you have to plan ahead. It’s possible for women as well as men, but you’ll be a different type of parent to the mother or father who was at home to have dinner with the kids and didn’t have to leave for the office so early that the kids are still asleep when they leave. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be bad mother, just a busy professional mother
Monica,
Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich’s thoughts on MBTI? She presents compelling research on the misuse of MBTI during the hiring process (& corporate America) in her book BAIT & SWITCHED. I think Jungian psychology is interesting, but I would argue that its hermeneutic is limited to a personal reflection. MBTI is often inappropriately applied in the workforce. The results are personal (at best) and are not scientifically grounded.
My two cents, yo. I would be careful with reading too much into personality tests, horoscopes, astrological charts, etc.
Best,
Laurie Ruettimann
Being a mother isn’t about being domestic and having cookies ready when the kids get home from school, it’s about creating and nurturing a new person; like a form of long term mentoring. Also, your MBTI type is from who you are, you are you, you aren’t only your MBTI type. My grandparents raised me most of my life, I can’t say what their type is, but they were both workaholics who believed that the only thing worse then being coddled and being a hippie was to sleep in past 6 am. And idle hands are the devils playground. They were definitely not the motherly types and I turned out okay, I think.
If you want a feeling of what it would be like to be a parent try hosting an exchange student for a couple weeks in the summer. My family did it when I was in high school and it is a fantastic opportunity and learning experience for both parties involved.
Hi everyone. Sorry I haven’t responded so quickly. The truth is I’ve been avoiding response because it was a hard post to write.
Laura, I agree - it’s beyond annoying to get asked the question “when are the kids coming?” every time I talk to a single friend. Kids are not reason everyone gets married.
Biodun, congrats on motherhood!
Rebecca, what you’re saying is exactly how I feel about this. I think you’re right, while we may never have strong motherhood tendencies, it really is about raising a child with someone else. I feel like a marriage could give someone a reason to have children almost, because it’s based on love, and that loves transfers to the entire family.
Michael, I completely understand that. I don’t feel like I would be the one to stay at home either. But what I’m realizing from some of the comments is I can be a good mother without giving up my entire life.
Erika, you are completely right, personality types don’t define you. If they did there would only be 16 people in the whole world. I did actually just take the test, though not with a professional. Then I investigated my type more to make sure it was really me, and it was. The reason I wrote about my personality type is because it’s a pretty tangible representation oh who I am, for the most part.
Jemimah, interesting thoughts. But I wonder what you would do if you had a child who wasn’t smart? Children deserve unconditional love, and I think it’s a risky gamble to expect your child to be smart.
Michelle, I can definitely relate to how you feel. But I guess give it time. That’s what I’m going to do, so we’ll see how it all works out. No decisions need to made just yet.
Conor, good points. I’m starting to think that if you want kids, you will make it work out for yourself. But I’m still glad I thought about this and wrote about this, because everyone should make a conscious choice about children, and not just mindlessly have them since society for the most part expects it.
Laurie, I have not read the book you mentioned. I agree with you, MBTI’s are not good in the workplace, especially in a larger corporation. At my startup we talk about our MBTIs a lot; but there are less than ten employees. I think it can help on teams to get a general idea of how people are and how you might interact with them. So far it’s really helped me understand my colleagues, and why they interact with me the way they do.
Jessica, interesting idea about hosting an exchange student for the summer. Would have never thought of that!
Thanks again to everyone for the comments.
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